Kisses
by reading
Summary: Way late, but... Kirsten welcomes the boys back after their summer away.


_Kisses_

_xxxx_

_I started this months ago (obviously) and just rediscovered it. _

_I loved, as many people did, Ryan's sweet turning of his cheek to Kirsten when she was kissing the boys good-bye one morning. There was much discussion on the Ryan thread at TWoP of Ryan's easy acceptance of her kiss, and someone said that they imagined that Kirsten had been kissing the hell out of the boys since they got home._

_xxxx_

Kirsten knocked on the door of the pool house as she swung it open.

"Ryan?"

He turned from the bed where he'd been pulling clothes out of his duffel bag.

"Hey."

She took that as permission to enter and stepped into the room.

"Do you have everything you need?"

Ryan smiled slightly at her as he nodded. "Yeah, I think so." He tossed a stack of t-shirts on the bed. "Everything is just like before I left."

Kirsten stood next to him. "Now it is." She paused. "Now that you're home."

Ryan shot her a shy glance, and she reached out to touch his arm.

"Well. I just wanted to make sure you were getting settled."

Sandy had been right. She wasn't a hugger. There'd never been touching in her family. Her father was, well, Caleb Nichol. And while her mother had been lovely and warm, she had never been physically expressive with her daughters. Sandy had been a revelation. He touched her all the time – a hand at her back, skimming down her arm, arms around her holding her close. She'd never known anything like it. When Seth had been little, she'd loved smothering him with kisses and hugs. And he'd reveled in them until he'd turned 10, when he'd suddenly realized his mother was a girl and had demanded all physical contact be stopped. She'd wanted to respect his wishes and so had, with an aching heart, quit touching him.

By the time Ryan had joined their family, Kirsten had settled back into reserving all her physical affection for her husband. And so, even those times she felt the desire to reach out to Ryan—to touch, to comfort, to encourage—she'd restrained herself. Was it appropriate? How would he react? Ryan himself was not a physically demonstrative child, and Kirsten wanted to respect that for him as she'd tried to respect it in Seth.

Over the summer, though, she'd missed them both so much it had been a hole in her chest that she couldn't escape. And right now, she wasn't sure that she cared any more whether or not they wanted to be touched. _She_ wanted it, needed it. She needed to reassure herself that they were there. That they were safe. That they were home.

She'd already stopped by Seth's room, fussing over him and kissing him good-night. He'd accepted her affection as Seth tended to accept everything his parents gave him—as his due—and for the time being, at least, he seemed tolerant of her hugs.

She looked at Ryan now, and felt the same surge of love and relief that had overtaken her in Seth's room. She reached for him, pulling him into a fierce hug, and she felt Ryan hesitate for just the briefest moment before he relaxed into her arms.

"We missed you so much."

Ryan turned his head, resting his cheek on her shoulder. "I missed you guys, too."

Kirsten kissed the back of his head, smoothing a hand over his hair. They stood for a moment before Kirsten drew away. She reached up and touched his cheek.

"What happened with Theresa, sweetie?" She asked it gently, voice soft.

"She lost the baby."

Kirsten closed her eyes, a strange mixture of grief and relief welling up within her.

"Ryan, I'm so sorry." He shrugged slightly, not meeting her eyes. Kirsten knew him well enough to know that the shrug wasn't unconcern, just his way of trying to tell her he was alright. Something Kirsten also knew was a lie. "Have you talked to her since you got back?"

Ryan shook his head. "We came straight here." His eyes came back to hers for a moment, uncertain.

Kirsten knew he needed their help, wanted their help, but wasn't sure how to ask. She gave his arm a gentle squeeze.

"Get some sleep, sweetie. Tomorrow you and Sandy and I can figure out what we need to do. Don't worry about it tonight, OK? Tomorrow."

Ryan nodded, the relief evident in his eyes. _How_, he wondered not for the first time, _could Seth even think of giving this up?_ Kirsten gave him another quick hug, and, kissing him on the cheek, bid him good-night.

_Because he's never known anything else_, he thought.

xxxx

After he unpacked, Ryan showered and climbed into bed. It was still early, but he hadn't wanted to go back into the main house. A lot had happened in the last two days, and he needed some time on his own. He loved Seth and he loved Kirsten and Sandy, but he couldn't think like he needed to when he was with them. He turned off the light, and stretched out, hands behind his head.

He lay there for a long time, eyes closed, listening. The familiar sounds of night at the Cohens surrounded him. Silence. And underneath the silence, the sound of the ocean. He'd missed this. In Chino, lying in bed with Theresa, the sounds of traffic and laughter and screams and barking seeping through the walls, his thoughts had always been unsettled, shifting, nagging. He'd never been able to sleep, the loneliness and the ache almost unbearable. He'd feel the burden of his decision—of the girl beside him, of the child that was coming—pressing into his chest until he couldn't breathe, and he'd long for the Cohens; not just the quiet of the pool house, but for Sandy and Kirsten and Seth.

He had them back now. He wasn't going to forget how much he'd wanted them, wanted this. And Theresa… Ryan felt a sharp pain in his stomach at the thought of her, and he pushed it aside. He wasn't going to think about that right now. He couldn't. Ryan rolled over on his side, tucking a hand under his cheek. He wasn't going to take the Cohens for granted. Last year he hadn't known what to do with all the attention—the affection, the advice, the encouragement. But he did now. He'd take whatever they offered with all of his heart.

xxxx

When Ryan went into the house for breakfast the next morning, Sandy and Kirsten were already there.

"Hey, sweetie." Kirsten handed him a mug of coffee with a smile and kissed him on the cheek as he sat on one of the stools. Ryan slid his eyes to Sandy when Kirsten smoothed her hand over his head.

"How'd you sleep?"

"Fine," he mumbled into his cup. His eyes followed her back to Sandy's side.

"Do you want some cereal?" She reached for a bowl and opened one of the cabinets.

"Sure."

Kirsten put the bowl and box in front of him, rubbing his shoulder before opening a drawer for a spoon. Grabbing milk from the fridge, she added that to the collection in front of him. And kissed him again. Ryan looked at Sandy, who just smiled slightly.

Seth joined them a few minutes later. He, too, was kissed and waited on and kissed again. He seemed completely oblivious.

"I'm late for a meeting." She kissed Sandy. "You boys," she kissed Ryan, "have fun today," she kissed Seth, "and call me if you go anywhere, OK?" She was out the door.

Ryan, spoon upside down in his mouth, watched her leave and then turned questioning eyes to Sandy.

Seth spoke for both of them. "OK. What was that?"

Sandy took a sip of his coffee and raised an eyebrow at them.

"What was what?" he asked.

Seth looked at Ryan incredulously and then back at this dad. "The kissing and the patting and the touching. And the kissing."

"I thought you said she wasn't a hugger," Ryan said softly.

"She's not," Sandy agreed, face serious. "But you boys scared her this summer. Made her afraid that she'd lost you both." Two sets of eyes dropped. "This is her way of reassuring herself that you're here." He hesitated. "And showing you how much she loves you. I think she worried that she hadn't, I don't know, shown you enough how much she loved you; that you hadn't realized how precious you are to her. That maybe that was why you left." Sandy rinsed out his mug. "I'm off to work. See you tonight."

Ryan and Seth exchanged stunned, shamefaced glances. They sat in silence for several minutes after Sandy left.

Seth, unsurprisingly, was the first to speak. "I didn't really think about her much this summer – except to be mad that she kept bugging me to come back when I didn't want to." His head was bowed and his eyes slid to Ryan. "I was so pissed…," he whispered.

Ryan nodded his own bowed head. He had thought about Kirsten a lot, missed her – and Sandy and Seth – so fiercely it had sometimes taken his breath away, but he realized he'd left her in doubt about his own love for her.

The boys sat in silence for a little bit longer, both lost in thought.

Finally, Ryan slanted a glance at Seth, who met Ryan's gaze.

"I guess it won't kill us to let her be all …you know." Seth offered. "For awhile."

They considered.

Ryan nodded, swallowing a small smile. "For awhile."

The End.


End file.
